🔍 NOW HIRING: Unpaid Discreditation Specialists
📝 Company: The Internet’s Bureau of Truth Management™
📍 Location: Your Mom’s Basement (Remote)
💰 Salary: Zero dollars, but unlimited dopamine hits from false superiority
⏳ Hours: 24/7 Vigilance (Mandatory)
Job Description
Are you a deeply insecure individual with a relentless need to control narratives? Do you dream of a career in investigative journalism but lack the credibility, ethics, or talent? Then we have the perfect unpaid position for you!
As a Discreditation Specialist, you’ll work tirelessly to scour Mark Havens' posts, articles, and case studies across multiple platforms, desperately searching for anything that can be twisted, flagged, or misrepresented.
Key Responsibilities
✅ Obsession Required: Regularly refresh his Substack, Medium, Facebook, and Linktree in the hopes that this time you’ll find something truly damning.
✅ Creative Outrage Generation: Manufacture new ways to be offended by words that were never about you (until you made them about you).
✅ Flagging & Reporting: Selectively enforce Terms of Service violations that you yourself probably commit on a regular basis.
✅ Historical Revisionism: If past posts contradict your narrative, simply pretend they never existed. If necessary, gaslight the author about his own words.
✅ Threaten Legal Action (Without Understanding How Law Works): Send vague, ominous DMs about “papers being filed” and “consequences coming.” Bonus points if you use “we” instead of “I” to imply an invisible army of supporters.
✅ Accuse, But Never Engage in Debate: Remember, your job is not to win arguments—it’s to create the illusion of scandal!
Required Qualifications
❌ No actual critical thinking skills necessary
❌ Must have a personal vendetta against facts
❌ Experience in projection, DARVO, and playing the victim preferred
❌ Proven ability to lose debates but still insist you’ve won
❌ Ability to say “You’re obsessed with me” while simultaneously monitoring everything Mark does
Compensation & Benefits
💵 Salary: None. Not a single cent. In fact, you will be increasing Mark’s visibility for free.
📈 Career Growth: Absolutely none, unless you count the dopamine rush from getting a single comment liked by another bitter, self-important contrarian.
🤡 Job Perks:
The illusion of control.
A sense of self-importance that will collapse in on itself like a dying star.
The fleeting satisfaction of pressing “Report” on a post that will ultimately remain standing.
Knowing deep down that you’ve dedicated your time to helping the very person you wish to destroy.
How to Apply
Just keep doing what you’re doing, Joel. You’re already overqualified.
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